I will give

Capable all along

I’ve been writing poems and songs for as long as I can remember—some considerably more angsty than others.

For a long time, writing was the only way I knew how to express everything I was feeling. When the big sads arrive, I still tend to default to it. Though, thanks to years of therapy, I have fewer big-sad moments and more “Hey… fuck you!” moments. It’s progress.

This time, I’ve been sitting with the grief that comes from realizing that, no matter how hard you reach for someone, a relationship may never become more than what they are willing, or capable, of giving.

It’s difficult to stop reaching. Harder still to accept that letting go does not mean you failed them or abandoned them. Sometimes, it simply means you have finally stopped abandoning yourself in the hope that they might choose you.

Title: I will give (Capable all along)

Verse 1
Start the car, pull away,
Silence riding shotgun again
My hand still reaches for you
Like it never got the news
You broke your promises so slowly
I almost called it love
You watched me learn to save myself
Then said that I wasn’t enough

Pre-Chorus
You tell me to let the past lie
Like the past was mine to choose
But every time you’re kind to strangers
I see the love I begged of you

Chorus
You’ve been capable all along —
That’s the hardest truth to see
You’ve got kindness in your hands
You just never gave it to me
You’ve been capable all along
You’ve always known how to be soft
You knew how to hold somebody
Without making love a cost
Why can’t you be better?
Why can’t you choose me?

Verse 2
You wear the victim like a halo
Turn every truth into attack
You swear you never mean to hurt me
Then press right where it bleeds
Peace can walk in through the doorway
And I still brace for it to leave

Pre-Chorus
You tell me I remember wrong
That the hurt rewrote my history
But I’ve pieced together every moment
And finally learned to see

Chorus
You’ve been capable all along —
That’s the hardest truth to see
You’ve got kindness in your hands
You just never gave it to me
You’ve been capable all along
You’ve always known how to be soft
You knew how to hold somebody
Without making love a cost
Why can’t you be better?
Why can’t you choose me?

Bridge
Maybe you believe your story
Every time you tear me down
Maybe loving me means admitting
You’re the one who let me drown
Whatever ran through you into me
Is gonna end right where I stand
I can heal what you left broken
With my own two hands

Final Chorus
You’ve been capable all along —
That’s the hardest truth to see
You’ve got kindness in your hands
You just never gave it to me
You’ve been capable all along
You’ve always known how to be soft
You knew how to hold somebody
Without making love a cost
Why can’t you be better?
Why can’t you choose me?
Why does loving you require
Compromising the softness in me?

Outro
One day this silence
Won’t feel like losing you
One day it sounds like freedom
Something safe and new
And when someone reaches for me
They’ll never have to plead
I will give, I will give, I will give
What you withheld from me